Thursday, October 15, 2015

Dear Popo - before you go, I want you to know this.

Tonight is the night I broke down, finally the reality sinked in -
It's now 2.02AM (thursday 15/10) and I have a very long day tomorrow but just when I was about to close my eyes and sleep, the reality just hit me.  I know we are all gonna lose popo soon.  I started crying, ran down to see popo, she's still there - coughing, conscious but blur about her surrounding.  This was it.  I broke down.

Took my laptop and ran back up to the room and here I am -

I don't know where should I start writing but I know I need to write this out before Popo leave us because when that happens, devastated is an understatement for me and I won't even have the 'whatever you call it' to document my feelings down.

Tonight, its the first time I hear/see my dad cry - sobbing with tears kinda cry.
He came in to my room, saw I was crying, gave me a hug, and we both cried together. 

I'm typing this as I have "God I look to You" from Bethel playing on YouTube.
Tears just can't seemed to stop flowing down my cheeks. I'm probably drunk typing right now - not the alcohol drunk but tears drunk - if that even make sense.

I want to be real to this space, before I forget this feeling of mine. Sorry for my cluttered words, please don't read it if you're not comfortable because this is me, all of me right now. 


Where should I start?

I live with my Popo since I was born. Popo is my dad's mom. She has been taking care of me since forever. Giving me support and love in every way that she can.

My Popo is a very strong woman.
She worked all her life to provide to her family;

My Popo is a very kind hearted lady.
She would always go the extra mile to do anything for us if she still has the capability to do it;

My Popo is a very sweet and loving person.
She cooks and comforted me in EVERY stages of my life;

My Popo is my shelter.
She was there for me when I got scolded from my dad while I was young;

This picture was taken just days back - 
she was still conscious :)

This is my popo with my dad during my dad's birthday early Jan this year.
My popo is so cheerful, always smiling, so beautiful.

I have so much going on my mind right now, I'm flying off to Korea for a short work/leisure trip this Friday - but my heart is so heavy. 

Doctor said Popo won't have a lot more days left.
And I know, I see through my own eyes - how popo's condition is deteriorating every single day.
How fragile we can be?

We found out her Blood Disorder condition this May 1st, 2015. You can read my post here.
She also fell down during June, you can read it on my Dayre here.
It's Oct 15 right now, only 5 months. Popo has changed so much. 

Moments like this, I really don't know what to say besides praying to God and asking Him to give peace and comfort to popo.  

God, you see our heart.  I pray every single second that when that day comes, popo will leave happily, peacefully, back in Your arms. 

Such a cute sight, I cannot imagine one day waking up, not able to see this face anymore.
I already miss her voice - shouting at me.. 
I can't believe one day, I will lose her.

Throughout this 5 months, I know my dad has been going in and out tirelessly. 
He took numerous emergency leave(s), paying the bills, arranging popo's medication.. etc.
As the elder daughter of his, the least I could do is to help him, to be there for Popo physically. 

Every two weeks, fetching popo to the hospital -
from going to private hosp to the gov hospital.

seeing her getting skinnier each day, 
eating lesser and lesser each day,
losing her strength to walk, to move, to talk..

doing her blood transfusion twice every month,
complaining about how inefficient the gov hospital is..

All I want is just for popo to be comfortable, she is not healthy I know, but I just want her to feel happy, can I? 
Why do we look at money so strongly? 
How long more can we have the chance to do something for her?

Never wait till it's too late to give back your best to your loved one.
I finally understand this quote, throughly inside out. 

Just two weeks back :)

Mooncake festival 2015 in cousin's place.
She was tired, she can't stand sitting on a chair for too long.
But I thank God I brought her there, to see everyone together, I hope you enjoyed your night Popo.

We watched the wedding video of our Da Jie, I can't help but to spot how cute and happy my popo is :')

Spending Saturday nights at home alone because no one is home.
Just me and her, although she doesn't really talk to me because she needs rest.
But being able to be next to her, hold her hand, makes my heart full. 

Popo is so pretty, ever so kind, loving and compassionate. 
She must have, must have been God sent to my life on this earth.
What would I be without her?
What will my road ahead be without her by my side?

This was just last week 10/10 (Saturday) -
Popo was admitted into SJMC again because she was coughing so badly and her body was just so weak.  But she can still layan me and show me a peace sign....

She likes to hold our hands and touch us like small kid like that.. :')

My popo has been blessed with long life.
She is 91 years old this year.
She never had any big surgery or diseases throughout her 90 years of life.
But I know she lived a tough life, she lived a fulfilling life.
She must know, the impact she has on us - cousins, sons and daughters, friends, relatives, church members - will always be kept in our hearts. 

Days where I just sit back and accompany her while she sleeps.
I know it's tiring.
We all have our own agenda.
I just started up my own company, there's just so much to do each day.
But nothing, nothing wins this.

Because I know, I won't have a lot of chances anymore.

This picture was taken yesterday (13/10)
Due to low blood palettes, she doesn't stop bleeding hence her swollen hand. 
I took a picture because I want to remember this pain.
This pain in my heart when I see her pain. 
I don't ever wanna forget this feeling in me.

I just took this photo like few hours ago..
If you followed my social media you'd see her faces everywhere but recently there isn't many...
because this is how she is almost every day, or else lying down with her eyes closed.

I know, I know Popo is leaving us soon.
I don't know when, I wish is another year, or at least another 6 months?
Everyone doctor kept telling us to keep our hearts prepared as she might have days left..
But I believe God is in control.
God please, take the wheel and lead us, lead me personally and be with me along in this storm.
I don't know how should I walk my journey once she's not there anymore.

I created this #popochow hashtags on Instagram and to my surprise, I actually posted quite a number of popo's pic on my instagram along the years :')

Look at that heart shape picture?
4th row middle - Popo was blow drying my hair haha so cute right.
I think it was 3 years back.

This is definitely an old picture but I want to end this post with this note to you Popo, I know you will never read it, but you know it.

Thank you for investing your whole life into us.
Without you, there won't be daddy, pakpak, dai pakpak,
Without you working so hard during your younger days, daddy won't be able to graduate in the states.
Without your love, all of us cousins wont be able to have such bond with you. 

You've been staying under the same roof with me for the past 24 years.
You loved me when I was still in my mom's womb.
You took care of me since I was young which I probably don't remember anything.
You walked me home just the two of us when I was 5.
You helped me saved up my first ever RM1,000 when I was 12.
You gave me pocket money to buy food/toys when dad and mom doesn't give me.
You cook home-cooked meal for me for the past 20 years (or more?),
You fold my cloths and iron some of my fav cloths,
You encourages me to lose weight (hahaha I will never forget your face when you tease me)
You compliment me when I wear a nice dress
You kiss my forehead and my cheeks all the time before I leave home
You come into my room late night and gossip with me about everything 
You gave me endless support and advices (although you don't really understand what I was going through sometimes)
You loved me, loved us, with all of your heart.

Popo, I love you.
I can't imagine the day when you're officially gone.
I don't know what will I become.

For now, I will do my best - to be around you as much as I can and when that day comes, I know you'll be back in Heaven in God's arm.

Thank You Jesus for giving me such a perfect popo in my life.
Please don't take her away just yet...

Signing off,
Your fat fat granddaugher that will love you forever,

15th Oct, 2.50AM.