one more month till the year ends

Every single time when I'm home alone, I have so much to express, so much to jot down, so much to share. I don't even know where to start.

Dad's out of town and is currently enjoying his trip in Italy which I'm so glad of.
He has been working tirelessly for the past 11 months, taking care of popo especially so I really hope he does find his moment of solitude and peace.

Just finished working a bunch of stuff with my folks on a Friday night, and I've never felt happier.
Had burgerlab, drank some beer, while camping at my place with our laptops with bieber's new album playing on the background. What else could I be asking for? :)

Can't help but to reflect how much has changed since popo has left us.
Can't help but to think what has happened along the year, along these 11 months.
Can't help but to ponder about whats next.

This year I took up bold challenges and made ridiculously scary decisions;
I made a choice to cut out all that nonsense although that means hurting myself in the short term - by leaving someone who's once so dear to my heart;
At this very same year, I lost the love of my life, the one person which I love the most;
I'm challenged, defeated in so many way I can't even.

So damn much has happened along the year and I just can't be grateful enough for everything every single one incident that took placed - it made my a better person mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Everything made me stronger, tougher, wiser and happier :) 

Spiritually so refreshed, so recharged, there's so much on my plate so much that I want to do and I just can't wait to see how God is going to lead me along the way.

December is going to be an eventful month and I can't wait to see where this is going to bring me.
In less than a month, we are gonna kiss 2015 goodbye, let's make the best out of this beautiful month, shall we?

x

Till we meet again, My Love; My Dearest Popo.

It's 10.15PM on a Saturday night and here I am, alone, sitting in the living room wanting to complete my beauty post initially but can't help to notice how much has changed since my previous blogpost.

The previous blog entry was written on the 15th Oct talking about popo, how ironic - it's been a month as today is 14th of Nov and Popo has actually left us on the October 17th, just two days after I published that blogpost.

Isn't it funny how I just had that urgency to finish that blogpost two days ago before she passed? As though I already felt it, or saw it coming...

It was 17th October when it happened.

I remember I was having Korean BBQ, drinking Soju and beer with both Tziaaa and Karen and I received just a whatsapp text from my dad..

I was so mad and devastated at that point of time because I thought to myself, how can my dad just drop me a text via whatsapp?!! But after that I figured out he was crying non-stop while our family was at the hospital so I don't blame him.. I'm sure my dad is 100 times more upset than I am :'( 

I was at Korea while my popo passed and I remember crying out to God so loud, asking Him why didn't He let popo wait for me? Why did He brought her back when I'm not around?  Thankful to Tziaaa and Karen for being there for me when I got the news :') 

I purposely bought this LED flowers from Dong Dae Mun, Korea for you,

hope you love it, popo. 

So many pictures were taken at home while both Popo and I are sitted at this sofa - 

I miss you so much Popo, now the sofa is empty (refer to the right pic)

Look at that tissue box, it was always placed there for Popo to use :') 

Everything is still here as it is.

I'm looking at these items as I typed this blogpost.

I know my wound will take months or years to heal, I know I don't want to fully accept the fact that popo is gone; hence the packed schedule and making sure I'm always surrounded with people so that I don't have to be physically alone... But I am now :') And I really miss spending Saturday nights with her - just the both of us. 

I rushed back from Korea to the funeral place at Nirvana.

Popo was so peaceful, so beautiful.

We knew Popo has no "pantang" or so hence we were all taking pictures as it is, singing songs and hymns to her :)

Didn't expect to receive these from my loves.

Very very grateful to be surrounded by people who truly cares.

Thank you so much, all of you. 

Never once in my life has I done this - 

This was really the first time sending someone off, and that person is my dearest popo. 

I actually took a lot of pictures here but I think it's not appropriate to share up here on my blog so this will do. 

Popo is so amazing, even if it's her funeral agenda, she had it all planned out.

She actually chose this place - Nirvana herself, and also sorted out the payment alongside with my dad and uncle few years back :')

My popo is seriously my inspiration.  Until the end of her life, until the age of 90, she still doesn't want to disturb anyone because she believes she doesn't want to owe anyone anything.  She always tells me if she can do it, if she is still capable of doing it, she will do it. 

I'm so blessed to call this wonderful lady my popo.

I'm so privileged to grow up having her by my side.

Can you spot me? Haha I'm the one on her right, the one with the hand on her chin. 

Fast forward 20 years.

We love you so much popo.

I know you see our hearts. 

I know you acknowledged our love to you.

We miss you so bad it hurts. 

This was the last time popo actually went out with us and I'm so glad I did it.

We went SS15 for Bingsu after dinner on a Saturday night.

So glad we took a picture.

Look at that bingsu infront of her... :')

I will remember ALL the moments shared with you, Popo.

Moments when I fetched you in my car and you kept yelling at me asking me to drive slowly don't press my phone;

Moments that we shared together over a meal.

It was always a good time bringing you to hipster places like Ploy, Marutama Ramen, Thai Thai and more.. 

Moments that I forced you to layan me when I want to take picture, you always say you look ugly but yet you will look into the camera.. 

I'm so glad I insisted and was so annoying. 

Thank God I did it else I won't have these pictures.

Moments where we spent together at a book shop because daddy wants to buy books...

You would flip these cooking book and dad would ask you "Ma you can read meh?"

and you'll proudly answer, "Can see pictures mar!" 

Moments where we spent together in grocery store, Giant to be specific.. 

and you'll always smile at the camera no matter what.. 

That smile :')

I will NEVER ever forget that smile. 

One of the thing I'm thankful for doing for you Popo is I gave you this diamond ring during Valentines Day in year 2012. 

I remembered always asking you what you want and usually you'd say you prefer cash but that year don't know why you said you wanted a diamond ring because you have never had one all of your life.. I'm thankful because I had the chance to buy you one. 

I rmb telling her that I want to get her another one earlier this year but she kept saying no.

She's so contented with what she have she's such a perfect life example to me.

She doesn't have much but she's always grateful because she knows she have love from all of us.

I know Popo is rejoicing in heaven right now with Jesus and all her fellow friends.

I know Popo is in a better place as I saw the image of Popo with God flashed by my head a few times.

I know the Holy Spirit is revealing to me images of Popo as she is indeed in a better place,

a place without pain, without sorrows, without worries, without regrets.

I accepted the fact that popo has left us on earth, but I know popo is having the time of her life, eternal life up in heaven right now, and I know one day, one fine day, we will definitely meet again. 

And when that day comes, I wish and hope I will be able to tell Popo:

"Popo, I have done my best to be as loving as you, as kind as you, as sacrificial as you, as contented and grateful, and always putting others before myself, just like you," 

For now, I will keep you in my heart and miss you every moment of my life.

Till we meet again, 

my beloved dearest popo. 

xx

Dear Popo - before you go, I want you to know this.

Tonight is the night I broke down, finally the reality sinked in -
It's now 2.02AM (thursday 15/10) and I have a very long day tomorrow but just when I was about to close my eyes and sleep, the reality just hit me.  I know we are all gonna lose popo soon.  I started crying, ran down to see popo, she's still there - coughing, conscious but blur about her surrounding.  This was it.  I broke down.

Took my laptop and ran back up to the room and here I am -

I don't know where should I start writing but I know I need to write this out before Popo leave us because when that happens, devastated is an understatement for me and I won't even have the 'whatever you call it' to document my feelings down.

Tonight, its the first time I hear/see my dad cry - sobbing with tears kinda cry.
He came in to my room, saw I was crying, gave me a hug, and we both cried together. 

I'm typing this as I have "God I look to You" from Bethel playing on YouTube.
Tears just can't seemed to stop flowing down my cheeks. I'm probably drunk typing right now - not the alcohol drunk but tears drunk - if that even make sense.

I want to be real to this space, before I forget this feeling of mine. Sorry for my cluttered words, please don't read it if you're not comfortable because this is me, all of me right now. 

-

Where should I start?

I live with my Popo since I was born. Popo is my dad's mom. She has been taking care of me since forever. Giving me support and love in every way that she can.

My Popo is a very strong woman.
She worked all her life to provide to her family;

My Popo is a very kind hearted lady.
She would always go the extra mile to do anything for us if she still has the capability to do it;

My Popo is a very sweet and loving person.
She cooks and comforted me in EVERY stages of my life;

My Popo is my shelter.
She was there for me when I got scolded from my dad while I was young;

This picture was taken just days back - 

she was still conscious :)

This is my popo with my dad during my dad's birthday early Jan this year.

My popo is so cheerful, always smiling, so beautiful.

I have so much going on my mind right now, I'm flying off to Korea for a short work/leisure trip this Friday - but my heart is so heavy. 

Doctor said Popo won't have a lot more days left.

And I know, I see through my own eyes - how popo's condition is deteriorating every single day.

How fragile we can be?

We found out her Blood Disorder condition this May 1st, 2015. You can read my post here.

She also fell down during June, you can read it on my Dayre here.

It's Oct 15 right now, only 5 months. Popo has changed so much. 

Moments like this, I really don't know what to say besides praying to God and asking Him to give peace and comfort to popo.  

God, you see our heart.  I pray every single second that when that day comes, popo will leave happily, peacefully, back in Your arms. 

Such a cute sight, I cannot imagine one day waking up, not able to see this face anymore.

I already miss her voice - shouting at me.. 

I can't believe one day, I will lose her.

Throughout this 5 months, I know my dad has been going in and out tirelessly. 

He took numerous emergency leave(s), paying the bills, arranging popo's medication.. etc.

As the elder daughter of his, the least I could do is to help him, to be there for Popo physically. 

Every two weeks, fetching popo to the hospital -

from going to private hosp to the gov hospital.

seeing her getting skinnier each day, 

eating lesser and lesser each day,

losing her strength to walk, to move, to talk..

doing her blood transfusion twice every month,

complaining about how inefficient the gov hospital is..

All I want is just for popo to be comfortable, she is not healthy I know, but I just want her to feel happy, can I? 

Why do we look at money so strongly? 

How long more can we have the chance to do something for her?

Never wait till it's too late to give back your best to your loved one.

I finally understand this quote, throughly inside out. 

Just two weeks back :)

Mooncake festival 2015 in cousin's place.

She was tired, she can't stand sitting on a chair for too long.

But I thank God I brought her there, to see everyone together, I hope you enjoyed your night Popo.

We watched the wedding video of our Da Jie, I can't help but to spot how cute and happy my popo is :')

Spending Saturday nights at home alone because no one is home.

Just me and her, although she doesn't really talk to me because she needs rest.

But being able to be next to her, hold her hand, makes my heart full. 

Popo is so pretty, ever so kind, loving and compassionate. 

She must have, must have been God sent to my life on this earth.

What would I be without her?

What will my road ahead be without her by my side?

This was just last week 10/10 (Saturday) -

Popo was admitted into SJMC again because she was coughing so badly and her body was just so weak.  But she can still layan me and show me a peace sign....

She likes to hold our hands and touch us like small kid like that.. :')

My popo has been blessed with long life.

She is 91 years old this year.

She never had any big surgery or diseases throughout her 90 years of life.

But I know she lived a tough life, she lived a fulfilling life.

She must know, the impact she has on us - cousins, sons and daughters, friends, relatives, church members - will always be kept in our hearts. 

Days where I just sit back and accompany her while she sleeps.

I know it's tiring.

We all have our own agenda.

I just started up my own company, there's just so much to do each day.

But nothing, nothing wins this.

Because I know, I won't have a lot of chances anymore.

This picture was taken yesterday (13/10)

Due to low blood palettes, she doesn't stop bleeding hence her swollen hand. 

I took a picture because I want to remember this pain.

This pain in my heart when I see her pain. 

I don't ever wanna forget this feeling in me.

I just took this photo like few hours ago..

If you followed my social media you'd see her faces everywhere but recently there isn't many...

because this is how she is almost every day, or else lying down with her eyes closed.

I know, I know Popo is leaving us soon.

I don't know when, I wish is another year, or at least another 6 months?

Everyone doctor kept telling us to keep our hearts prepared as she might have days left..

But I believe God is in control.

God please, take the wheel and lead us, lead me personally and be with me along in this storm.

I don't know how should I walk my journey once she's not there anymore.

I created this #popochow hashtags on Instagram and to my surprise, I actually posted quite a number of popo's pic on my instagram along the years :')

Look at that heart shape picture?

4th row middle - Popo was blow drying my hair haha so cute right.

I think it was 3 years back.

This is definitely an old picture but I want to end this post with this note to you Popo, I know you will never read it, but you know it.

Thank you for investing your whole life into us.

Without you, there won't be daddy, pakpak, dai pakpak,

Without you working so hard during your younger days, daddy won't be able to graduate in the states.

Without your love, all of us cousins wont be able to have such bond with you. 

You've been staying under the same roof with me for the past 24 years.

You loved me when I was still in my mom's womb.

You took care of me since I was young which I probably don't remember anything.

You walked me home just the two of us when I was 5.

You helped me saved up my first ever RM1,000 when I was 12.

You gave me pocket money to buy food/toys when dad and mom doesn't give me.

You cook home-cooked meal for me for the past 20 years (or more?),

You fold my cloths and iron some of my fav cloths,

You encourages me to lose weight (hahaha I will never forget your face when you tease me)

You compliment me when I wear a nice dress

You kiss my forehead and my cheeks all the time before I leave home

You come into my room late night and gossip with me about everything 

You gave me endless support and advices (although you don't really understand what I was going through sometimes)

You loved me, loved us, with all of your heart.

Popo, I love you.

I can't imagine the day when you're officially gone.

I don't know what will I become.

For now, I will do my best - to be around you as much as I can and when that day comes, I know you'll be back in Heaven in God's arm.

Thank You Jesus for giving me such a perfect popo in my life.

Please don't take her away just yet...

Amen. 

Signing off,

Your fat fat granddaugher that will love you forever,

Adele.

15th Oct, 2.50AM.